wake up to another bleary morning
when the rain’s finally fallen
and this summer air doesn’t suffocate
like the thoughts that race back
after those brief moments
the best part of each day
when there’s no memories
until the pain comes rocketing back
sending me scrambling
down creaking wooden steps
go through the usual routine
take your cup of coffee
not black, there’s no more mourning anymore
but easy does it
not too much in,
or it’ll all be forced out later
in those sleepless hours
filled with sighs and checks
to see if there’s any new messages
signs of caring
maybe tonight I’ll get lucky
in my dreams
where bones perform
their taunting song and dance
before the boar snaps them all
heads to the torture chamber
his home
where I can’t tell if these salty tears
are of relief
or despair
thinking these fragile things holding me together
will be masked,
that can’t happen
because these sharp edges ward off the dangers
of an unknown world
intent on breaking my only shield
that’s shrinking away day by day
becoming a smaller target
until the day those fantasy dreams come true
and they won’t be able to touch me
because that’s what my friend says
the only one who’ll tell me the truth
scream it at me until I’m the one screaming
at my lowest point
next to nothing but still miles away
one breath from taking flight
my sole confidante screaming to stay
as the crowd watching through the windows
shatter the illusions surrounding her
bearing down, increasing the pressure
with words that slice past all the scars she’s inflicted
jerking me back to my senses, momentarily
before she claims me back once again
without resistance
from fragile bones that havn’t got much to show
for the years of slow decay
short of breath, they’ll carry on without me
when the percentages fall too low
the numbers more petite than I can dream of tonight
tears won’t fall from a circle who all saw it coming
without sympathy, or empathy
another Amy, killed of her own choices
while a monster chased her into a coffin
crashing into the ground
before she could recover
get my chance to repair
and fight back
before the clock rings out
I’ll be in a place with beige walls
and no democracy
to save me from perfection
which is what I need
right?
You can’t always think for yourself
july 25th, 2011
Listen close now, can you hear that sizzle?
Turning beauty into disgusted looks,
Watch it all change, colors
and feelingsuncovered lying here in this bed
unconscious and oblivious
to what’s really happening here,
my darling
can’t you see?
what you are now, what you’ve become?
a human shield to protect myself
weaker walls that didn’t take time to build,
just sprung up overnight
when we were entwined together.
Now you’ve fallen in so deep
and I can’t bring myself to rescue you
just watch while you plummet,
don’t know if I’ll catch you,
we can’t fall together,
I wouldn’t make it,
I’m sorry
For all this hurt
you feel
I’m causing myself.
You’ll never quite understand
this isn’t pain, this is control
all about choice, my choice
was already made
when he went ahead
while I was holding back screams
then the anger and humiliation,
suck it all up, this ain’t so bad
come on now, boy
you’ve got to keep up with me
sex won’t make this love,
guilt won’t change me,
guilt won’t make me fall down on my knees.
a trip won’t make me afraid to break away
anymore
because a battered fighter’s only got so much energy left
and you’re going to have to prove you’re worth it
before you hit rock bottomSo don’t lie in this blue bed
and tell me again and again
you’re just two words away from your lines
and needles
it’s over
how does that feel?
make me stay, I like the safety in these arms
but let’s make this a choice
no obligations
honey please
you’re holding the upper hand
and I’m trying to fight the reinsrunning after me will make me run harder,
running towards me will make me change track,
running with me will scare me
so why don’t you stop and take a breather
see if this track will bring me back to you?
May 9, 2011
flickering lights
far away, up, up
higher than us both
where we can both see
should we glance, together
to a plane bound for a place
far away, out, out in the distance
paradise
where all these horrors would melt away
a place of escape
what we’ve all been straining for
as we turned the toothbrush
upside down
as our minds
lit the paper, smelt the igniting tobacco
we didn’t know
release was still only temporary
when we hid the vessels
under beds
monsters used to occupy
until the clock caught up
they moved residence
laughing inside our minds
daring to take a glimpse of ourselves
without a tear
simply a promise
that this would help, he would save you
the pretty blue circle would numb
holding back
would show strength
we didn’t know
our demons, us
youth sinking into despair
to rise, higher, escape
into our laughter
smiles brightened by survival
never blighted, enlightened
through tales of woe, emotions
cartwheeling
through a night sky behind smoke
dying as we breathe
singing the joys louder
than the joneses
another minute lost
searching for greener grass
picturesque as could be
clouds of sunshine, lakes of shimmering rainbows
don’t exist
but in eyes of one
found in a hole
life
dug tunnelling to china
anywhere to get away
never far enough but so
so
close
connected
as we were meant to be
a fighting duo, trio
army of smiles
reflecting our victories
minor as can be, massive as we can dream
together
we are our own escape
and I’m smiling here, take my hand and we’ll run
into this black hole they call the future
let it suck you in,
carry along
twisting and twirling
doesn’t much matter
we’ll all die today, someday, tomorrow
just take me laughing
gleaming.
relapse
into an old pattern,
routine
voices shrieking, comforting
with her hatred, disgust
acidic tongue
lashing, punishing
more than any blade
and it was reverberating
echoing
to kill his memory
my guardian angel
wanted us to be together
but she could never come to earth
while she has the devil’s blood
coursing through
veins
taut against skin stretched
across a flimsy frame
snapping
in a millisecond
careening apart, down
face into carpet,
re-enactment
struggling to grasp
sheets, haul myself up
breathe
write
escape
into sunlight
taunted by his face,
laughing
when his girls flanked him
as they sauntered
past
again on this barren street
home
fouled by that mask
for nothing so flawless
to those eyes
could carry out such a foul deed
sin
suicide, slow
relaxing
smoke spiralling up to meet the clouds
while he walks by
everywhere, everyone
sending me stumbling home
again
desperate
turning back to the only one
who’ll never be missing
despite the best intentions
even just for now
as survival
‘til the screen brightened, flickered
warm arms pulled tight
safe scents wafted up
eyes could close
unscathed
brutality
nonexistent here
in coddled breaths
holding back the whimpers
shame
that this could have such control
make so weak
lightning fast
destroy the last vestige
camouflage
barren, naked
in full dress
clutching away the memories
that wouldn’t sleep away
walk away
but in your arms
finally rest
chin on skull
legs twitching
without tension
from ignorance
of direct orders
blaring the alarm
waking from
never-ending nightmares
ending
with him
just for now, a few hours
and that’s enough
to keep breathing
alive.
see you out at dusk
candy on your arm
shame that ain’t yours
tell me now
does this one know
your next new toy
boy ‘bout sixteen
muscles and some moves
up and down your body
you always so proud of
even when it wasn’t much to show
like his skin for a quick click
dirty dancing for some quick cash
get your quick fix
won’t learn to fetch for yourself
now, ever
clearly learning wasn’t your forte
‘cause your lies were just so clever
didn’t you hear me say never?
poor, poor boy
s’all my fault
not meeting your needs,
you big strong man
‘kept where it mattered
little boy
struttin’ without anything to back you
up
in the clouds
high as the radio
on a g6
lied through your bloodshot eyes
glittering pupils
held nothing but failure
when your bluff was called
your money flushed
‘cause you couldn’t control the rush
keep the snake caged
when you were shut down
frustrated
‘cause pathetic créatures don’t process
just scream and shout
‘til they’re red in the face
need another break, smoke
careful now, sweetie, don’t choke
hate to have to call your girl
break some news;
she’s got some fake name
so I’ll call her free
tricks and dips
all up and down your body
you always so proud of
even when it wasn’t much to show
off to anyone who’d stand still
guess he did too,
your slutty romeo
did he meet the fam?
hear your door slam
as your pants hit the floor
the only thought on your mind standing
not quite so tall
just a pathetic fool
swingin’ round with his tool
hitting this one out the park
too far to reach,
save your grovelling for the blue
they’ll be ‘round soon ‘nough
losers like you can’t escape forever;
if only they’d gone first
save me the trouble,
cherry on top
dashing out in the rain
shock flashing across your dumb face
disbelief
lies didn’t block the obvious
trust, alliances
with another one you never thought I’d hear
even when she was so near
foolish, foolish coward
didn’t think the evidence was so strong
for you and your wrongs
didn’t see the warning signs
that last time
as I choked down bile
workin’ with something so vile,
movin’
up and down your body
you always so proud of
even when it wasn’t much to show
me where the line was drawn
thought your double head would take a seat
logic would return
but it was just too much of a rush;
small package needed to overcompensate
now that nothin’ going up your nose
just through your back door
inhale, exhale
you don’t need that;
you don’t really want that,
remember?
that’s not you anymore,
remember?
you promised yourself.
just breathe.
breathe her out
she doesn’t want the best
simply the worst
of you, us
bound together
forever
that’s over now
at thirty months long
barely a scratch on the calendar
an eternity inside this skull
buried today, wrapped
in a veil of unrepressed memories
she guarded against
as we worked together
to be empty
so deliciously empty,
barren
free of memory, sentiment
past
any point of return
in this dance of choice
life
or death
I’ll choose life
over and over
every night
until she cries her last wail
fades away
like the beauty I’d found
stretched taught over sinewy bones
sharp angles and sunken valleys
softened, filled
with life
sunshine and everything nice
promised in death
offered in life, here
should she flee, leave me to work
alone
as the night falls
his body collapses upon mine
as before
vivid color
senses betraying
everything I know, reality
slipping away fast
as he whispers into innocent ears
once more
while her shrieks reverberate
insult to punishment
every movement, every twitch
fibres between my fingers,
throat dry, again
can’t scream, silent
speechless
though the scene’s been processed
multitudes of times
each with a different editor
sensual horror,
rapid assault,
gentle theft,
a simple vicious attack
beginning on those wooden stairs
creaks
before we tumble,
quick today
efficient
into the climax I know’s coming
as the pressure rolls off
and we’re done for another day
he’s done, and her voice begins
once more
blurring old wounds,
fracturing the healing wounds
promising to return me to my full strength
just as esther so does
with gentler words
tones
but still
just empty promises
neither woman delivered
and only one stands a chance,
now
as I lie once more,
still.
I’m still reliving it, and I just want to forget again
a bolt of silver
a silhouette on a sunny day,
gliding by on a glistening road
trick of the eye,
mind
racing when the wheel turned
came back
with that grin, laugh
I didn’t know would infect,
affect me
this way
into chaos
out of control
a point to centre around;
joseph
as everything went up
while she plummeted away
fighting
myself,
him off
my joseph
after flipping back pages
reminiscing
trust, mistrust
another runaway
feeding this fiery wall
logic
following one, two
until the counting left
nothing left to count upon
virgin words to an unmarked heart
another tired line to this one
battered
guarded, even for innocent eyes
protected, safe
by beauty
lashes fluttering,
delicate
forgiveness
reaching to embrace, heal
unseen wounds
brought on by the hands
of a pathetic boy
left clinging by fingertips
hauling back up onto this racked ledge
time
time
time
time
time
time
and time, again
when they became reality
just to step, toe
aching fingers
clawing to find the truth
in those little words
joseph
gave back meaning to
with the tiny moments,
nudges
into recovery,
warm arms,
scruff
against cheeks laid bare
because with him
I need no cover, mask;
those lids lift up from his twitching sleep,
see something new to me,
beauty,
beautiful
each day, joseph
you are, you make
for me
even while the alarm sounds
her warnings ring, weaker now
than for years
until they stepped in, tore away any,
control
elusive as always
with these emotions,
overly simplified into a trio of words
I can’t help but whisper to myself
when you lie with our friends,
dysfunctional families.
always here
as from day one
bearing flowers
remembering even what I’ve forgotten
even while I can’t help but yearn
for that stubble beneath my fingers
scruffy, scruffy
rough
just how you leave it for me
joseph
proving them all wrong
day by day
week after week
longer than I’ve known before
when it was a sure thing
something not guaranteed for you now
maybe not ever
but the door’s not slamming
though this gets rough
just as your face against mine
still comfortable
somehow
because I love you
so this has to work
some way, some how
it’s coming to me
without infatuation, overinflated feelings;
trust
that we’re on equal ground
shaking at the knees, worried
for once
not a single-player game
partners
that I’d forgotten I was searching to find
when comfort was in nudity
acts you can’t bear to think of
Joseph
you’ve got me
out of the whirlpool
and onto the horizon
to watch a sunrise
new beginning
pure, simple
yet none of the above
even if you don’t understand
hope is all that’s left
to give
so I’ll squeeze tight
and hope that says it all
when I don’t have the words
for you
my beautiful
world,
boo
cliche and overwrought
disdained everywhere it’s seen
fitting you, a glove
we can both wear
fingers interlocking
exhaling this smoke
as you pull away
tonight
“I love you”
so simple
Joseph
you make me want to fall again
fearless, weightless
with no strings attached
I love you
all it was
skin
pressed up against yours
while the right one lay
out of this world
on a fantasy night
forgotten
not that we were meant to be
ties loosened
by hero after hero
villains in disguise
attacking
unconcious choices
mixed signals
scrambled directions
stumbling over to a path
far less walked
far too well-trodden
traps
opposite of the promise
security
refuge from the noise
even then
no spark in my favorite eyes
no warmth
hands that didn’t meet
expectations
death of us
lacking your perfect signature
hand over hand
tracing
old wounds
oublie
alongside the invisible
summer
colored boards on scuffed concrete
grass
your bench, pedestal
below me
drinking
secrets
reguritated into your quirks
jokes
lending hope that the first knew
from a time so far past
losing wasn’t in the cards
after all
princes
don’t let their cinders fall
save before the end
amidst the confrontations
accusations
flung
embers and defenses
did you think this was in the plan
this would come so far
gates purposely left ajar
beckoning
beasts
hideous everything the mind wanted
from beauty
unattainable, untouchable
now
flashing before tired eyes
no fantasy
lust
normal as the boy next door
without any glimmer
suggestion
anything better
chance
was yours to take
but then, not now
when the ground’s finally solid
your mask won’t stop changing
nor will it’s lure;
the moment has passed
& now I know where I stand
wrote a list of wishes,
that words wouldn’t hurt
dig deep inside these layers
suffocating
small, worthless
nothing to claw,
grab at
reminders of all the hard work
just rolls
spilling out and over
bursting, tight
breaths
while she clutches still
anything her greedy talons
can grasp
tear away
from here, me, him
everything fought for
useless
in those dark eyes
glinting behind black hair
charred as the remains
house
of dreams
torched
left scorched by the proof
falling from her lips
tossed out of right field
erupting from a crater
on a sunny day
reminders
that this isn’t over
not now, ever
invincible
just one more for the list
invincible
‘cause perfection isn’t allowed
simply punished
because they didn’t want to be bested
as fingers shake
the keys blurred
behind beauty pulled from a tube
dripping away
another simile for hope
trickling away
straining for release
held back solely by fractured walls
not strong enough for another attack
battle of wills
as I scramble for shelter,
run
as always
terrified, more desperate
alone
in this midnight chaos
where the voice echoes
taunting
not quite dead,
cackling,
do you see me behind your lids?
squinting out, I chose you
so go on and fight,
use up all your strength
ward off my laughter
but you know every word is true
this isn’t the end
no pills to swallow
make it vanish
just mind over matter
enclosing it all
no losing, no winning
simple survival
happiness
the last wish from trembling fingers
tired.
throngs of strangers
merging with the flow
against the lean in
hear the words passing
lips
once pressed here
where the words flow
now
mirroring the expression
as the youth flowed out from you
drawn by a man
we shan’t speak his name
lest he be tracked
to a musty room
stained mattress
conjured up in this reeling mind
whilst this scream builds up
fades
your face’s pull from memory
protection
fails each last time
even with the greatest leap yet
far away
from me, the expected
pathetic excuse
matches a lowered standard
that everything in between
never once matched
yet there was no resentment
beared
‘til today
so tell me my dear
was it not perfect, beautiful?
best, wonderful, spectacular?
did arms tracked with scars
to your warmth
not hold tight enough
as only a stranger’s could
whilst he panted above you
filled with lust
but none of the love you threw
into flaming snow
no, it never crossed this mind
that simply missed pure happiness
not a shred of resentment
‘til it was thrown away
first meeting,
was it the last for your lust?
overpowering your audacious
love
never expressed, today
didn’t happen, exist
but in deluded dreams
une annee passee
perdu
creatures
real, fictional
coming together in falling leaves
huddling with intentions to last
until the capital tore me away
in cradled arms
as tears spoke
the fear, the beast
forcing you off
away
so she could win
all the tarnished nighttime fantasies,
hopes sinking,
dead bodies weighed down
concrete
far from solid
but for these sloppy words
elaborating
pain,
was that your reality
knowing he didn’t care
as we did
once upon a time
your thoughts danced over this face
eyes shifting
memorizing, singing
how easily you forgot
gave up
everything I couldn’t take
didn’t deserve
still don’t
raw beauty
on a canvas now smudged
mirroring the mascara
pooling under eyes you won’t meet
anymore
as the crowd pulls you away
doors swing shut
screech away
